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The Ben Maynard Program
EP. 90 RANDI LATZMAN - How Surviving Abuse Shaped a Mother's Journey
Breaking generational cycles begins with understanding that your past doesn't have to define your future. Randi Latzman, creator of Surviving Mom blog, takes us through her powerful journey from childhood abuse survivor to published author and devoted mother determined to parent differently.
During the pandemic, Randi channeled her love of writing into creating a platform where she could share her story of childhood trauma while supporting other mothers. What emerged was a dual-purpose blog – surviving her own mother and the day-to-day challenges of motherhood itself. With raw honesty, she explains how growing up in a volatile home shaped her, but didn't determine her path as a parent.
"You get to decide who you are," Randi emphasizes as we dive into the difficult topic of accepting that our parents failed us. This recognition, while painful, becomes the first step toward healing. Randi shares the moment she knew she had to cut ties with her mother after seeing the same harmful patterns directed at her young daughter – a heartbreaking but necessary choice that exemplifies putting cycle-breaking into action.
The conversation takes a beautiful turn when Randi reveals how motherhood itself became her greatest healer: "She held up a mirror to the parts of me that needed fixing and allowed me to truly see them." Through raising her daughter, Randi found a pathway to reconnect with herself and rewrite her story.
Her book, "From the Heart of a Mother," offers poetry and inspiration for mothers at every stage – acknowledging both the profound beauty and challenges of parenthood. Rather than delivering advice, Randi's poetry provides connection and understanding, showing readers they're not alone in their struggles or joys.
If you've ever wondered if your difficult past means you shouldn't become a parent, Randy's message will resonate deeply. Your history doesn't determine your ability to be an exceptional parent – in many ways, it can become your greatest strength when you commit to doing things differently.
Visit survivingmomblog.com to explore Randi's writing and her book "From the Heart of a Mother" – poetry that speaks to the full spectrum of motherhood experiences.
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Hey there, welcome into the Ben Maynard program. Thanks for being here. Before we get started, a little bit of housekeeping to take care of. As you know, this program is available wherever you stream your podcasts. Just you know whatever outlet it is you're using, just go there. Search the Ben Maynard program. Boom, you know, whatever outlet it is you're using, just go there. Search the Ben Maynard program. Boom, you got it. Just subscribe to it, if you could, please. When you do that, you get notifications anytime a new episode publishes, all right. Next, if you can't resist some of this right here and maybe a little bit of that note right there, okay Then, and you're watching on YouTube. Then thanks for doing that.
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Speaker 1:The likes are very important. I don't know why, but they are, so just do that for me, please. And then you have to leave a comment. I reply to all your comments, as you know, so please do that for me. Oh, and then you know what? You can also tell 10,000 of your family and friends too. All right, let's see. Then. How about, last but not least, you can follow me on Instagram. How about, last but not least, you can follow me on Instagram? Ben Maynard Program, all one word. And, as I said before in the last episode, against my Better Judgment, I opened up a TikTok account, and that is the Ben Maynard Program, so you can also follow me there too. Again, tell all your family and friends. So with that, there are plenty of ways to take in this show for your dancing and listening pleasure. And, as you can see, this morning we have a guest, and my guest this morning is Randy Latzman. She is the creator of the Surviving Mom blog, so welcome in, randy. Thanks for being here.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's my pleasure. Before we really dive into anything, why don't you kind of if you could just take us through the genesis of Surviving Mom blog?
Speaker 2:the genesis of Surviving Mom blog. Sure, so it started in around 2020. It was during the pandemic. I watched some show on TV that I cannot recall the name of it and it was about this guy that went to law school. Long story short, he decided, instead of going to this, to work for this big law firm and make lots of money. He was going to do pro bono and help a little guy and for some reason, watching that show, I turned to my husband and I said I want to do something to help people and he said that's great, what do you want to do?
Speaker 2:I always loved writing. I went to a special school back in the day in junior high for creative writing. It's always been an outlet of mine, it's been a hobby of mine. Never thought I can do anything with it and I decided that we use my love of writing and start reaching out to different organizations, different foundations, and share my own story of childhood abuse. And I reached out to different organizations and started sharing my story, thinking that would kind of be it, and started getting some feedback, started hearing from people that my words resonated with them, that it helped them, and I did something I never thought I would do. I started a website, and by that I mean I had my husband put together the website. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:I did the writing and it kind of just took off from there. So surviving mom blog is about my own story. It's kind of a double meaning surviving my own mother and surviving being a mother and the trials and tribulations of motherhood.
Speaker 1:So is the. So the website more is geared towards helping mothers who are maybe currently raising children, or does it even go beyond that?
Speaker 2:So it's.
Speaker 2:I mean, if you go through it, there's a lot of my backstory in there.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of support there, whether it's codependency, addiction, special needs, like I talk about a lot of different topics there, especially in 2020, where I was trying to figure out my own path and what it is I wanted to do with my writing. So you get a lot of that support there from others that just in terms of mental health support, and I get a lot of people till this day that will reach out to me and say that they saw a post from 2020 about abuse or about addiction or something and how it helped them. But more nowadays, it's more about my own journey as a mother and how my past does not have to define who I am today as a person, as a mother, my own motherhood struggles, the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows of motherhood and the poems that I write about it. So current time, it's mostly poetry that you'll see on there, but you can go back and you can see lots of blog posts that cover a myriad of topics.
Speaker 1:Right, you said something there. You touched on something. I think it's really important that our past doesn't have to define who we are, and I really honestly believe that it's so key and it's so important for people to recognize and to lean into that. I don't even know if you have to lean into it. To me, honestly, I think it's just more common sense than anything else. But, okay, let to lean into it. I think to me, honestly, I think it's just more common sense than anything else. But, okay, let's lean into it.
Speaker 1:Because there's so many people, whether it's in your life, my life or just in general, that use their past, their childhood past, their childhood, their upbringing, as an excuse for the way they behave in their adult life, for the decisions that they make in their adult life. And I think it's exactly what it is. It's an excuse. Our past doesn't define who we are. We can make it a part of us, because that's just what it is. It's a part of our life and it doesn't have to be negative. And so many people use it as in a negative sense and say, well, I'm this way because of this. Here.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think that a big part of my own journey was accepting what had happened to me. This is who I am at that period. This is what I went through. I'm a child abuse survivor. I had to recognize that I was abused to stop the cycle. And once you recognize what's happened to you, you're able to then move past it.
Speaker 2:I think that a lot of people from my own experience if you're specifically with my mother, who was also abused if you're not willing to accept what happened to you, how do you stop it? So I think there's that component to it also the inability to recognize what happened to you. I also think a lot of people get stuck in it and they don't know how to get past it, and I think that being willing to accept it, tell your story, say it was my past, it doesn't have to be my future, and I literally I had someone reach out to me a couple of weeks ago from Instagram who said he read one of my posts about it and he didn't think he could do anything with his life. He had been brought up with his parents telling him that he didn't matter he had. It was a very sad story and I basically just wrote back to him and I realized at some point I had to take a step back because he had to come to these realizations on his own.
Speaker 2:But that who you are, you get to decide that. You get to decide who you are not. You get to decide what your future is going to be. You get to write the next chapter of your life. You didn't get to write that chapter in your past. Your parents kind of wrote that chapter for you and made those decisions for you. But you get to make those decisions now. When you get to decide what to do with your life and the person that you want to become, they don't get to decide that for you. And when you let other people make those decisions for you, you're giving away all your power.
Speaker 1:Don't do that. Yeah, no, I agree with you wholeheartedly in that and it well, yes, you're absolutely right. Can you expound a little bit on your upbringing, your childhood, kind of what brought you to, to your writing stage, where you began with that and then, of course, getting into, uh, your website?
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:All right so.
Speaker 2:I was brought up. I I have a sister, um, I have two parents that were constantly fighting, constantly fighting. They were either fighting or they were not speaking. It was a very tumultuous household. My mom, like I said, she was a child abuse survivor herself Right in turn started doing things to me when I was eight. She started throwing me out of the house and saw nothing wrong with that, and when I tried to articulate to her that that was wrong even as a young child I knew that was wrong I was told that if I behaved differently she wouldn't have to do it. So I was being blamed for what she was doing. My dad went along with it. It constant fighting, constant fighting. Just growing up feeling very unsafe.
Speaker 2:My entire life I was conditioned to see the world as a very, very scary place. Because the world to me was a very scary place. As the eldest I got most of it. I tried to shield my sister as best as I could from it and I just remember most of the time my parents were verbal fighting and I tried to shield my sister as best as I could from it. And I just remember I mean most of the time my parents were, it was verbal fighting. There were a couple of times it was more physical, and I remember covering my sister's eyes at one point trying to prevent her from seeing anything.
Speaker 2:Just a lot of really terrible things. And as a child I knew something was wrong wrong, but I didn't know how wrong it was. And as I grew up I always vowed I was not going to do that to my own children. Um had my daughter and when I had my daughter it was even more of a profound realization like how can you have this child and I loved her so completely that how could you ever hurt your child? It just I couldn't fathom it. I couldn't understand how that was possible.
Speaker 2:And, like I said, going back to 2020, when I saw I thought about all those people who didn't have support. I saw all those people who didn't have anyone because of quarantining and isolation and everything. And I thought about people that maybe't have anyone because of quarantining and isolation and everything. And I thought about people that maybe hadn't come to those realizations or didn't understand or thought they were all alone. And I remember growing up feeling so alone and feeling like I had no one I can talk to about this and feeling so much shame about my past and what had happened to me, and I just wanted other people to know that they weren't alone with their suffering, with their pain, with their story. I wanted to encourage people to tell their story and to not feel shame about it, and so that's when I started writing and eventually started writing on my blog.
Speaker 1:Can I ask you a little bit of a excuse me, a little bit of a personal question? As a man, you're never supposed to ask a woman her age, but can I ask you how old you are, randy?
Speaker 2:I just turned 42.
Speaker 1:42. Okay All right. Yes, wow, my middle child is close to your age.
Speaker 2:April 29th was my birthday, so, yes, I just turned 22.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry. Wait, wait, when was your birthday?
Speaker 2:April 29th.
Speaker 1:April 29th. Well, happy birthday to you. That's great. That was just a couple of days ago, that's awesome. So was there, and you'll see where I'm going with this. Was there any other? You said there was a little bit of physical abuse in the household. Was it? Was it just between your parents, or did it? Did it happen to you and your sister as well, and was there any type of drugs or alcohol involved in in in that as well which caused your parents to to be at each other's throats constantly?
Speaker 2:No, they were not. There were no drugs and alcohol. So but there was, yes, there was physical abuse. It was to me. I mean, yes, there was physical abuse.
Speaker 2:It's funny because when I talk about my own story, I say it was more of emotional and psychological right, but there were absolute incidences, where I remember being dragged by my hair across the hallway, um, I mean, I remember, remember being whacked across the face of things. But also I know that back when I was a kid I mean I talked to my husband about it Like people getting hit was much more commonplace than it is now. Now it's a big no-no.
Speaker 1:Back then, it's still not a no-no for me. I still believe a good swat on the behind is okay, but I think there's a difference between discipline and abuse.
Speaker 2:It was. It was like dragging me across my head.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's kind of not normal.
Speaker 1:So, and the reason why I ask is and we touched on it a little bit earlier before, before we started is, you know, I, I came from a very similar background and an upbringing. I was the oldest. Well, let me put it this way there's a whole slew of siblings that I have, both older than me and younger than me, and at this point, my parents' marriage was my mom's first. She was very, very young and my dad was much older than than my mother and um, it was his second marriage, um and but, but you know, he had children from multiple, from multiple women. So I, I mean, I always say my dad is the father of our country and um, but but in my, in my, my older brother and I, I'm the old, like I said, I'm the oldest with my parents, from my mother, I am, and then my older brother, he's the oldest from dad and his mother. So we, you know, we're still very close, him and I are, and we talk all the time and we share our, our common experiences growing up. And um, you know where our situation came from. Is is, our dad was a, uh, a world war two veteran, and he, you know, he fought in the Pacific on a destroyer, but I don't know if it was his upbringing or if it was his war experience that he really turned to alcohol. And I I don't know if it was his upbringing or if it was his war experience that he really turned to alcohol, and I don't know. I don't, I think about it now, but but he sometimes, I think that he was using that to numb his pain from his wartime experience. I can't say for sure because he never really, he never really talked about it and I can't ask him now. He passed away 27 years ago but, um, but but he never. He just rarely, rarely ever talked about, you know, his time in in the service and, uh, I know, for me, uh, around the house growing up, it was very, it was just, it was, it was.
Speaker 1:Things were volatile, to say the least, and, and to what you were saying, screaming and hollering was a constant in in in my house. You know my dad was a business owner, had his own business and you know the one thing that I, the one great, actually great positive thing that I can say about my father is that he had a tremendous work ethic. So he showed up to do his thing six days a week, sometimes seven days a week, but at the end of the day he'd come home and he'd been drinking already and he would come home and he would fight with my mom. Most of the time it was a lot of screaming and hollering. There were several occasions where it got physical that I witnessed and you know, it just was one of those things. He would pass out on the living room floor, on the couch, and or sometimes even at the dining room table, on the living room floor, on the couch, or sometimes even at the dining room table. But he'd be up the next morning at 4 o'clock, 4.30, making his coffee, taking a shower, shaving, getting himself ready. He'd be at the shop at 5.30, opening by 6, six days a week, sometimes seven. So it's just one of those things, but it was a cycle and it was a thing that when it wasn wasn't happening, when there wasn't the screaming, the hollering, the arguing, uh, those types of things it was.
Speaker 1:It was like a rarity and it took for me and our friends and I say ours meaning my younger brother and I. We had we. He was only two and a half years younger than I, and so we grew up with the same friends and we hung out with all the same people and so when our friends would come over, it was like what are we going to get? And there were times I mean, I shouldn't say there were times, it was constant where we could be out across the street and still hear our mom and dad yelling at each other.
Speaker 1:Nothing more embarrassing for a 10, 11, 12 year old kid to have to deal with that, and it can, you know, it can lead you down a very bad road. But even at that age I knew, I made a determination that this was not going to be my life moving forward. This wasn't going to be my life as I grew up, the way that we were treated at home. We didn't have hugs, we didn't have I love you's going around the house that type of thing. I knew that, probably very similar to you, I knew that I was going to be loving on my kids, and I mean so much so that gosh, they hate it. I've fawned on them so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get it. You love me, I get it.
Speaker 1:I've fawned on them so much and I, I you know, as, as they were growing up and of course, like this said, they're all adults now, all three of them. But but but I mean, to this day I still try to embarrass them in front of family and friends just with hugs and try to kiss them on the cheek and all that kind of stuff. And they hate it. But but I want them to really understand. No, this is I love you.
Speaker 2:You know I want you to, I want you to have something that I never had, and I want you to enjoy it, you know. So I have a question for you. So one of the things that I noticed and I actually wrote something on my Facebook yesterday about this is that raising my daughter in many ways has healed me. It's I've gotten to have like a second childhood. I've gotten to see like through her eyes and everything but at the same time.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of grieving involved because she has all the things. She knows what it is to have a mother that loves her. She knows what it is to have a father who loves her. She never has to question that.
Speaker 2:And then there's always this part of me that that child, within that you know you still, no matter how old you get, you still want, you, still yearn for that, and so I guess my question to you is how do you, how do you deal with that? Because that's, that's something that I don't think you ever fully get over. You never get over not having that.
Speaker 1:Um, well, I think for me personally, never getting over not having that love and affection. Growing up, I've taken it into my adult life and in my marriage my wife knows how I mean she is the absolute greatest thing. She is my I always. You know, I say this publicly, I say it privately she is my gold, she is the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow and that is the absolute truth. I don't say that just to say it.
Speaker 1:Um, but for me, I know that I am, I'm not a, I'm not a jealous guy, I am not an insecure guy. I'm very secure with who I am. I do have insecurities in love and I always need to be reassured that somebody loves me, and I do. I recognize that and I know that. And sometimes I have to apologize to my wife Catherine about that, because you know it's like I just look. I know that she loves me completely, but I want to hear it. And so I'll make comments to her and she'll say you know I love you and I said but I need to hear it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I need to hear you say that I need to. I need to have you grab my hand or give me a hug or just reassure me, and that's just just reassure me and that's just. But that's me. I think that is, and I do think that that comes from that. Insecurity comes from not having that as a child.
Speaker 2:Because so many kids have that and they grow up with that knowledge and with that foundation, and so I think when you grow up without that, there's a piece of you that's just. It wasn't fulfilled as a child, you didn't get that, and so it makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you're, and you're constantly, at least for me, I mean, I'm constantly yearning for it, you know, and thirsting for it, and and you know, look, I'll be 60 in August. So it's like, ok, at some point am I ever going to get past it? No, I don't think so. I don't think so, but, but, but I recognize that, though, and, and I don't let it, I don't let it get in the way or cause any issues, and I, and I don't let my, I have never let my, my, my childhood, you know, dictate how I behave in my adult life.
Speaker 1:You know, I, I'm not an alcoholic. I did, I don't, I don't lean on on alcohol, I don't. I've never done drugs and all that kind of stuff. You know, I'm just, I'm a square, I really am, I really I'm just I am, I'm a, I'm a dork. But um, that's just what I chose and I knew that, okay, this wasn't, this wasn't what I wanted. You know, if I didn't want it as a child, how would I want it as an adult? So, this wasn't what I wanted. So I would make, uh, you know, a 180 from that. And I think that inside, most, most people growing up as they're getting into their teen years and their young adult years. They know it but don't necessarily act on it right.
Speaker 2:I also think, coming to the realization that your parents failed you, your parents didn't give you what you needed. I think, more than anything, kids want to believe the best in their parents and they want to see the good in their parents and, I think, realizing whoa, this was not good, they did not do right by us, they did not do the right thing, they were not good parents.
Speaker 2:Like that's a hard pill to swallow, that's not an easy thing for a child to accept about a parent and that's at any age Like that's just a hard thing to accept and I think that once you realize I didn't accept that I think that gives you the freedom to then move forward and make better choices. But it's a hard thing for a lot of people to accept.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:Because you want to see the best in them. They're your parents, no matter what, no matter what they've done to you. At the end of the day, they are your parents. But at the same time, that doesn't justify anything and I'm estranged from my mother. I've been estranged from her since my daughter is four, I think is when I, so she, my daughter's now 12.
Speaker 1:So it's been eight years.
Speaker 2:And my mother started doing. My mom is very hot and cold, so when things were great, the sun was shining and she would just, you would feel like the best, the most incredible person in the world. She had that personality, and when things were bad, you were shunned, you were nothing to her. It was very hot and cold, and so she would go periods without talking to me, and when she started doing it to my daughter, I said that's it, Absolutely not. You're not going to do a thing. I'm not going to have my daughter growing up and questioning love. Nope, no, no no.
Speaker 2:The last time that happens and after I had warned her that if this happens again, that's it. That was it. I just it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but the best thing I've ever done, and I said you know, you can't be in my life any longer, you can't be in my daughter's life any longer. And it's been really hard, especially as my mom gets older. My sister still has a relationship with my mother, which makes it even harder. Older, my sister still has a relationship with my mother, which makes it even harder. So, being the one that says I'm going to stop it, I'm not going to allow it.
Speaker 2:It's not just hard for you, it's hard. You don't always get the support of the people around you. They don't always understand or want to understand why you're not accepting it. Because it's easier for them to just go along with it. Just make up, just figure it out. It's easier for them to just just go along with it. Just just make up, just figure it out. It's easier for them. It's not easier for you and it's not the right thing for you and it's not the right thing.
Speaker 1:No, you're absolutely right. And yeah, I mean, I look at things this way. Look, I mean I'm, I'm a, I'm a Christian guy. Okay, I really am, I, I, you know, I, I, I try to, I'm. I'm in church every Sunday. I'm teaching, you know, sunday school to third and fourth graders on Sunday morning. So you know, I, I am at this point, I am absolutely living my best life, but it doesn't mean that there haven't been painful experiences in the past and, as a Christian, I have learned to forgive. But I don't know if it's the right approach, but I say, okay, I forgive your transgressions, I forgive you for hurting me this way or doing this or that, but because I forgive you, it doesn't mean that I need to hang out with you, it doesn't mean that I need to be with you. I'm not at that point. I forgive you. Everything's good, but I think you know we have to keep our distance.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a hundred percent, you can forgive. It doesn't mean you forget, it doesn't mean you get amnesia.
Speaker 1:No, I never forget.
Speaker 2:Nobody ever forgets, never forget and you have to forgive for yourself, Like I learned that, like you don't forgive for the other person, I forgave because I was harboring so much anger and hurt and pain about it that the best thing I can do for myself was to let go of that and to say she did the best she could. She did. It doesn't mean I condone it, it doesn't mean it's okay, but she did do the best she could. I know she did and it wasn't enough.
Speaker 2:I'm not mad at her anymore, and it took a long time to get to that point where I'm not angry anymore about it mad at her anymore, and it took a long time to get to that point where I'm not angry anymore about it, and anger is a hard thing to hang on to, because not only your anger towards somebody else, it doesn't.
Speaker 1:it doesn't affect them at all, but it eats away at you, yeah, so that's the thing. So when you recognize that and you go through your forgiveness and you just let everything go, you're so much more at peace yes, 100.
Speaker 2:I mean, one of the things I had to stop was that. You know my growing up, like we, in a household filled with screaming all the time.
Speaker 1:I I, that was my normal.
Speaker 2:And so when I married my husband and they all they don't raise their voices, they don't do those things and I was. I would yell, I would raise my voice, I would get upset, I would do all those things and I had to recognize, okay, when I do those things, I'm turning into someone I don't want to be Like that anger that I had is making me someone I don't want to be. I don't want to be angry all the time. My mother is angry all the time. I me someone I don't want to be. I don't want to be angry all the time. My mother is angry all the time. I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want my daughter growing up and seeing a mother that's angry all the time.
Speaker 2:I need to figure out ways to let that go, and so it's a work in progress. Like we're human, we're going to get upset. Obviously, we're going to get days that we're going to lose our cool. But I'm not. I don't do that anymore. I've let that go, and that was one of the. That was a really hard thing to do. That was a hard thing to do because it's ingrained in you. Like you grow up and you hear yelling all the time and you're all just yelling at each other. That's how you communicate, sadly, and so learning to redo it and not have healthy communication not yelling at each other in forms of communication, but talking and listening and reacting, giving yourself a moment to respond rather than react is something that I really worked on, especially over the last few years, and I'm happy to say that I'm not in that place anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know it's, it's, it's such a simple term and it's kind of dopey, but but you know, I always, I always say you attract more bees with honey than vinegar and and and yeah to to be sour, to be bitter, be angry. You're not attracting anyone, you know, but I'll bet you're a great mom, aren't you?
Speaker 2:I try, I try.
Speaker 1:It's okay, listen, it's okay to boast. Okay, I don't want to say no, no, because that's not right. To boast and be braggadocious is not great, but it's okay to admit if you're a great parent.
Speaker 2:It really is. I, without a doubt, do my very best. I cannot, and I love her with all my heart, and so I always tell other moms that if you love with all your heart and you try your best, that you're a good mom. So, yes, I am a good mom.
Speaker 1:And that's with anything, if the effort. I always tell my kids in Sunday school I said look, I'm really old kids. I said when I was in school, when I was your age, we got two grades. We got our letter grade per subject and then we got our citizenship grade, which either was an S for satisfactory, an O for outstanding, or it was a U for unsatisfactory. You know, I said so. That's where you need to look. Is your effort Okay, always, you know, always. Strive for the best effort. You know when you're trying, when you're trying your best, that's you know.
Speaker 2:And that's what I tell my daughter, because growing up I was very much. My mother wanted me to be perfect. I needed to get perfect grades. She would whip up my as young as two. She was drilling me with my numbers. I had to know numbers one, two and three and they would go up telling it like it was funny. But she would literally like start screaming and freaking out if I was like an 18 month old child and didn't know my numbers. Um, so she just I would rehearse. I would be five years old and rehearsing things. She'd rip up my homework and have me redo it over and over. So I grew up very much a perfectionist, very much a perfectionist, and I my and I said to my daughter I say to her I don't want you to be.
Speaker 2:There's no such thing as perfect. You're not perfect. No one's perfect. Do your best. I don't care what your grade is. If you tried your best, you put in everything you had into it. I'm going to be so proud of you, no matter what you get, as long as I know you're trying your best, because that's what it is in life. We can't, we're not going to be great at everything. Just we have to try, we have to try, we have to learn from our mistakes. We have to strive to do better, and that's it.
Speaker 1:I just said this to the guest I had on last week. You know, there's a line that I coached baseball for many, many, many years and one of my good friends, who also coached alongside with me, would tell the kids and this is stuck since I don't know, this has stuck with me for the last, I don't know, 35 years or so. You never know what you can do unless you try. And it rings true for anything and everything. And it's all about the effort, because if you're making making the effort, then well, let me, let me, let me change that. If you're not putting forth the effort, all you're full of is excuses whenever you fail, and and that's all you're looking to are the excuses as to why it didn't happen. But when you are putting forth your best effort in anything, if you fail, it's okay, you understand it. You just pick yourself right back up, you dust yourself off and you get after it again.
Speaker 2:That's right, that's right.
Speaker 1:And and you know, and that's the one thing about about being a parent is you're never going to get it right 100% of the time, but that doesn't mean you can't be great at it. It's recognizing when you slip up, which is very, very hard to do at times and I think I got better as I got older but it's very hard to do because nobody wants to admit when they're wrong. That's one of the hardest things to do is admit when you're wrong at something, and especially when you're the parent and they're a child, you know.
Speaker 1:The parent's always supposed to be right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And sometimes you're right. Just because you're a parent, I'll say it I'm the parent. You do it because you're a parent.
Speaker 2:I'll say it I'm the parent. You do it because you're the parent. It doesn't matter if I'm doing the opposite. You have to do it because I'm the parent.
Speaker 2:That's right, and that's one of the biggest things I grew up, where I never heard I'm sorry. It was always she did it, it was my fault, I did it. It was my fault. It it was always she did it, it was my fault, I did it, it was my fault, it was fine.
Speaker 2:So, growing up, one of the biggest things I do with my daughter is and you do have to eat a big slice of humble pie is you do have to be able to, when you do something wrong, like I'm sorry that I did this, I made a mistake, and it's like. You know. What I learned from that is that it's teaching, giving them the tools to own up to their mistakes and to learn that it's okay. We're human, we're imperfect creatures. We're all going to make mistakes, we're all going to have flaws.
Speaker 2:Owning up to it, apologizing and not just apologizing, but learning from it and trying to do better and grow from it. That's the takeaway from it. And if you can take something where you made a mistake and learn from it and do better, then that's a success. And if you can take something where you made a mistake and learn from it and do better, then that's a success. And so I really try to do that with my daughter, when I say the wrong thing and I do the wrong thing about 5,000 times a day and I go over to her and I say I'm really sorry that I handled it this way. Can we try again? And just trying to teach her that it's okay, there's no reason to feel shame with making mistakes. We all make mistakes, it's okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's hard enough. It's hard enough to do that in an adult relationship. And then imagine having to do that with your kids. It's hard. It's hard and and and and humble pies. It's hard, and and and and humble pie is nasty. Um, you know, I pulled. I pulled a. Um. I printed off a copy of a poem that you had on your website. Um, it's called holding on and um. Do you feel comfortable reading it or would you like me to read it?
Speaker 2:I can actually read it. I knew what page it was in my book.
Speaker 1:I'm not trying to put any pressure on you or anything.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no. I have no problem reading it. So my book, it's so funny. When I had my book, I said I wanted a table of contents and they said, oh, that's going to be. There's so funny. When I had my book, I said I wanted a table of contents and they said oh, that's going to be. There's so many poems in there, there's like 200 poems that you're just crazy, wow. So the problem with that, though, is that when I'm asked to read a poem, I don't know what page it's on.
Speaker 2:Oh bear with me Well see?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well, I, I have my. I have my iPad open up here on the table too, so I'm open to your website. I printed it off so that it was nice and large, so I could see it even with my glasses on. You know that kind of thing. But while you're, while you're trying to find, oh you did, Okay, All right, Okay, I want you to. And look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to to, to, to just hit you with this, because I would have been more more than comfortable reading it.
Speaker 1:But you wrote it, it's your, these are your words and and this is your expression too. And then I kind of want to try to give you my um, kind of give you my thoughts on, or I should say, cause I read it and I thought when I first started reading it, I saw it from one perspective. And then when I finished, or as I got further probably about 80% through, I was like oh no, no, no, no, no, this is from. This is a different perspective. Okay, so anyway.
Speaker 2:Okay, I know I have to let you go as you get older, but I'm focusing on holding on. Holding on to being your biggest fan and cheerleader. Holding on to the warmth of your smile and the sound of your laughter. Holding on to feeling so deeply, no matter your age. Holding on to how grateful I am to be your mom. Holding on to the twinkle in your eyes when I tell you that I love you. Holding on to the promise that I will always offer you guidance, advice and support. Holding on to carrying you in my heart wherever you may go. Holding on to the beauty of the past, the gift of the present and the joy of the future. Holding on to the feeling of your head gently resting on my shoulder. Holding on to the unconditional love between a mother and a child. Holding on to the privilege of raising an amazing person. Holding on to the reality that letting you go doesn't mean that I can't hold on to all of these things. So I can let go, but no, I will always be there holding on.
Speaker 1:I think those are great words and I think, when I saw the first, I think those are great words. And I think when I saw the first, I'll tell you what when I, when I read the first, when I read the first two lines I know I have to let go as you get older, but I'm focusing on holding on I I thought that was an, a daughter speaking to her mother, and, and, and coming, certainly especially coming from where you have come from, and I saw that and I thought, okay, this sounds like it could be like you know, older, her later years, maybe even her last few days, or something like that, you know, and I thought, wow, this is about forgiveness, and and then and then, you know, as I, as I started to to read on further, um, then I realized, no, this, this is a mother speaking to her daughter, and not only speaking to her, but it could be just an infant or a teenager, it fits everything. And I think they're great words, they're beautiful words. So, yeah, no, thank you for sharing that. That's great.
Speaker 1:And you touched on your book, so talk about your book. Oh so we were supposed to do it a little bit earlier and then hit it again. Whatever we're gonna do, we'll hit it again, but talk about it right now.
Speaker 2:So the name of the book is From the Heart of a Mother. Excuse the tabs on the book.
Speaker 1:No, no, just hold it up to the camera so we can see it really well. Yeah, it's called From the Heart of a Mother. Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:So, yes, it's poetry and words of inspiration for all stages of motherhood. So, as I mentioned, my daughter is 12. And I wanted to. There are a lot of books out there about early motherhood and early childhood and my daughter's 12. And I wanted to write a book that kind of touched upon all stages, because I remember vividly her being a newborn, I remember her vividly being a toddler, I remember vividly her first day of school and now she's 12.
Speaker 2:And some things never change the love never changes, the effort never changes, the bond never changes, the need never changes. There's so many constants throughout motherhood and I wanted to express that. I wanted a book that a new mom could open up and say oh, I find I see myself here. I wanted a book where a mom with a 14 year old child could open up the book and say I see myself here. I wanted a book where a grandmother could open it up and say I see myself here. And so I have three sections of the book. The first section is for early, the early days of motherhood, talking about the loneliness. I also wanted to talk about the highs and lows, not just paint a rosy, beautiful picture that motherhood is sunshine and rainbows, because motherhood is wonderful and amazing, but it is hard, it is hard.
Speaker 1:It's a full-time job.
Speaker 2:Full-time job and a half, and I wanted a book that spoke. When I first became a mother, I was a mess. I was a mess. I didn't have my own mother to come to for help and I didn't know what I was doing. I felt like I was failing. I was lonely and I remember calling up my father-in-law like in a panic, like hysterically crying.
Speaker 2:My husband had to go back to work one week after I had my daughter and I was just like a mess, hysterically crying. And he said to me you know, these feelings are normal. Like your mother-in-law went through this too and like a light bulb went off. You mean, this is normal. Like I'm not like the worst mother in the world for not knowing what I'm doing and just like wanting to go in a corner and cry and just like I don't know what to do. And I don't. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
Speaker 2:And so I wanted a book that not only talked about the beauty of motherhood, but the difficulty of motherhood, the loneliness, guilt, the worry, all of the highs and the lows that encompass motherhood. And so the second section of the book is all about trials and tribulations. And then the third section is about for mothers of older kids and I really I just put my heart and soul into it and I really wanted mothers everywhere to feel seen and understood, no matter where they are in their journey everywhere to feel seen and understood, no matter where they are in their journey.
Speaker 1:So it so, rather than trying to, rather than trying to write, what would more be like a, an advice book, or I don't want to say a self-help book, but in that, in that vein, yes, you want to take that approach through poetry instead? Yes, okay, and and speak to your experiences and what another mother will or could or should experience through poetry.
Speaker 2:Yes, I mean, and I say this right at the beginning If you're looking for a how-to manual, you're looking at the wrong book. Like I don't have all the answers. I am as clueless as the rest of you. We all. Every day is the first day raising a child of this age, so I can. Every time I'm like raising a child of this age, so I can. Every time I'm like, okay, I figured it out, like I know what I'm doing, I'm in the groove, I figured out what's going on, and then she does something different and she's in a new season of it and I don't know what I'm doing and I'm starting all over again.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you, let me ask you a question, Randy when does your daughter, when's her birthday?
Speaker 2:Her birthday is August 3rd and she'll be 13.
Speaker 1:She's a Leo. Yes, that's my girl. I'm going to tell you what, right now. You better enjoy the next couple of months, because once she turns 13, forget about it, man she's going to know everything and you're going to know nothing.
Speaker 2:She's been like that since she was six years old. I mean, that's what it is today.
Speaker 1:I don't know what it is. 13 is the magic number. It's going to get worse, oh gosh, oh no, yeah, it'll carry on until probably graduation day of high school, you know, and then.
Speaker 2:The hormones and everything like those started kicking in when she was 10. And I was like wait, what is going on here? You're 10.
Speaker 1:Like, I don't understand. So yeah, it's, it's those Leos Like they give you a run for your money Right and she's a Leo, so that that, like that, doubles up on everything, Cause you know we're let me see we're unfortunately, we're prideful, we're boisterous, let's see we are, we're know-it-alls and I don't know. It's all about us too.
Speaker 2:So, yep, yep, all of the above. She is strong-willed, she keeps me on my toes. She's aged me 20 years, but I love her to death. It was never a dull moment with her. And, yes, she is something, and I mean that in the best way possible.
Speaker 1:Well, okay, so she's 12 now. I think I already know the answer to this, but I'll ask it anyway. Are there any thoughts of more kids? One's enough, but. But you know what Kids are? Just the kids are the best, though. They really are. They really are, and no matter what, no matter how much they get in your, in your hair, no matter how much trouble they cause, no matter how many messes they make and never clean up all that stuff, kids are still the best. They bring us so much joy as parents.
Speaker 2:Me too, and for me especially. She healed the parts of me that I could have gone to all the therapists in the world, and I did go to there. There's something about raising a child that just cracks you open and then just brings you back together again and puts the pieces together in a just a more beautiful way than they had been before. It's just she. She held up a mirror to the parts of me that needed fixing and allowed me to truly see them and work on them and come out the other side better than I had been before.
Speaker 1:And none of that would have happened if it wasn't for her?
Speaker 2:I think it's 100%.
Speaker 1:But you recognized it, though, and some people, unfortunately, whether it's mothers or fathers, because that scenario is there for all of us, absolutely, it's there for all of us, absolutely, it's there for all of us. It's whether it's that whole thing. Are you, are you? Do you see the signs?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know that kind of thing, you have to recognize it and you have to understand. You have to understand that.
Speaker 2:Understand that, and then you have to also understand your responsibility once you bring a child into this world. Yes, it is such an enormous responsibility. It is something that I take so incredibly seriously. That, and what hurts me the most, though, is when I'll get, when I'll see feedback from people who, they were abused and they'll say, well, I'm scared to have a child because I was abused, and that just makes my heart so sad, because, like we talked about and we've talked about, that is not, does not mean in any shape or form, that you cannot be a wonderful, remarkable, amazing parent.
Speaker 2:Like you can do everything differently than what was done to you. You have two choices you can continue or you can stop and change it. And that's entirely up to you.
Speaker 1:And that's for anything.
Speaker 2:I mean even kids who weren't abused. You have parents no, parents are perfect and you see things that you grow up and you're like, well, I don't really like the way they did, that I'm going to not do things differently. You have that choice and so it. Just when I see that, I kind of want to shake my computer and say no, no, no, you could. That's not the reason, it's not, it doesn't have to be it doesn't know.
Speaker 1:You're absolutely right, because life in itself, life is a series of decisions. It's it's all one road, and and, and. We get to a fork in the road and we can go this way or we can go this way, and we know the route we should take. But do we take it and and it? And I, I, I told, I told my kids, I told, I told them all multiple times, but I started when they were probably in their teen years and I said every decision you make in your life, moving forward, will have an effect on your life at some point. It may not be tomorrow, next week, next month, even next year, but at some point the decision you make on this here will come back on you. It's going to be positive or negative. One way or the other.
Speaker 1:You have to decide, and that's what life is and that's what, that's what, what, what, what, um. You know, deciding to bring children into the world is all about being a parent. It's all decisions. Look, it's not a bad thing to bring kids into the world, no matter what kind of background we have. That's why men and women were put on earth and that's to procreate. You know, and and um, you, yeah, you can't be afraid of that. And for somebody in your position, I, I, I understand you. Just you kind of want to, after you're done shaking your computer, you kind of want to just throw your arms around him.
Speaker 2:I do, I do.
Speaker 2:It breaks my heart. It really, it truly does. And that's like when I said I spoke to that guy, I spent like an hour, that guy who reached out to me about his childhood, like just talking to him and I just I want to hug them all. I want to hug them all, I want to talk to them all. I want to hug them all, I want to talk to them all. I want to, and that's why I write. That is, at the end of the day, why I write, why I share my story, why I started my Facebook page, which I never, ever someone feel a little bit more understood, and so that's that's why I do what I do, in hopes of maybe making someone else's pain a little bit more manageable.
Speaker 1:When, when you were growing up or even before, you decided to, to, to, to take this, um, to take this route with your excuse me with your blog and your book and all that did you find yourself to be more of an introverted person yes, okay, yes, when I was little, when I was very, very little, like the first three years of my life before, um, my sister was born I was very much an extrovert.
Speaker 2:I would hear stories that I would go over to all the kids. I was just like, very hi, I'm here, um, as I think, just because of my childhood and the things that happened to me, I just became more and more of an introvert. And so, putting myself out there, putting myself in the public eye, so to speak, and writing publicly and putting out my story publicly and doing all these things, it's that goes against my nature, it goes against my nature to do these things. It's, it's that goes against my nature. It goes against my nature to do these things. But, like you said, we strive to do better, we strive to push ourselves and to grow as people. And and if, if I can take something horrific that happens and make something good come from it, then why would I not do that?
Speaker 1:And I think that's just as people in general. That's what we're supposed to do is to try to always turn a negative into a positive, absolutely. Yeah, excuse me, yeah, home environment that that both you and I experienced would tend to make you more closed off. Because if you, you don't want to open yourself up too much, because you're inviting people in into your world and now they see what really goes on and and that brings, you know, that can bring about a lot of embarrassment or shame and that type of thing, and so it's just better to just to, to keep your walls up and kind of you know, close them off, close people off a little bit.
Speaker 1:But, um, you know, yeah, as we get older, as we mature, we understand that's not the best route to take. It's always good to have, um, it's always good to have people in your life, especially good people, people that bring something to the table as far as you are concerned and things that are going on with you. The book is available where.
Speaker 2:It's available everywhere online. It's on Amazon, barnes, noble, indigo, target, walmart, on my website, survivingmomblogcom. You can go on there and there's different ways to purchase it. I'm also having a special sale now for Mother's Day where I have a bunch of copies that I can personalize. I can write a note to someone in it. There's a special someone that they like the book to be made out to with a little message. I can do that. So yeah, it's available everywhere.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm looking at the cover of it right here. You know, from the heart of a mother. It's on Randy's website, which is survivingmomblogcom, and then, as Randy just said, it's available wherever else you can get your books Amazon, that's like the biggest bookstore out there, so you know. So, yeah, if poetry, if the adventure, the trials and tribulations of motherhood, uh are, are something that you're going through and and you want to experience that through poetry, instead of some somebody telling you, well, do this and don't do that, Um then this is probably the right way for you to go. This is probably the book for you. Tell me, Randy, what is Randy Latzman outside of surviving moms? What does she do? Tell us a little bit about your personal life.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow, okay. Well, I'm an avid reader. When I have the time, which is few and far between, I love reading. I love, love, love reading.
Speaker 1:I do too, and I just don't have. I mean, I work like 13 to 14 hours a day, really. Honestly, I had to get up early to try and do some prep work for this, because I haven't had any time at all since you and I spoke last week. It's just-.
Speaker 2:What time? What's the time? Yeah, what is that I?
Speaker 1:know, but I do. I love to read and I have no time. I have my bookshelves over here in the studio and it's full of I don't know. I can't even count how many books are on it, but I've probably only read about half of them and that's only because I did those ones like 15, 20 years ago, right right, you remember back when you read them.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's the same thing, so-.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, go ahead, go ahead, I know.
Speaker 2:I love reading, I love writing Like just, I've always loved writing, so I love doing that. I love watching TV with my husband in the evenings, after my daughter's asleep, we just lay on the couch and watch ridiculous tv shows that are just easy to follow, and just, we do that. Um, I'm a junk food addict, I will admit it. I love anything, any food. I love chocolate, I love ice cream, I love chips, all that stuff oh, I love it yes, and so, yeah, you'll basically find me running around chasing after my daughter.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh, we had two cats and a dog, so probably cleaning up after my animals, watching reality tv with my husband or writing is basically what I'm doing um.
Speaker 1:What kind of dog do you have?
Speaker 2:she's a mixed breed. She's a rescue, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's all right, but do you have any idea what, what breed, she is?
Speaker 2:We've got different answers. We think she might be part chow and part people, but we're not a hundred percent sure. She's a very sweet dog, but she's a big dog and she doesn't recognize how large she is. So when we brought her home for the first time, she like ran up the stairs and like tried to jump on me to hug me and nearly threw me down the stairs. So yeah, she's. She's a large dog, but she's a sweetie.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm a dog guy. Catherine and I, we have a cat and but, but. But I'm a dog guy. I've had dogs my entire adult life. I I'm I'm going on a little over two years right now without a dog. It's the longest period of time in you know in adulthood that I haven't had a dog, and I love dogs and I love big dogs.
Speaker 2:She's a dog she is, she's a sweetheart. So our cats will literally go on the dog bed and just lay on the dog bed with her and all, and she just wants her dog bed Like it's hers. Let her have her little dog bed and they'll just go yeah.
Speaker 2:She is such a well-behaved. I mean she barks, but she's a dog, dogs bark, of course. The thing is that my daughter, you know, we'll go over and like hug her and we'll be like rough with her and the dog just like loves her and takes care of her and is protective over her, and it's just it's very sweet, it's very.
Speaker 1:dogs are the absolute best.
Speaker 2:They are the best.
Speaker 1:I, I, I have said for many, many years dogs are God's best work. But um, what? Oh, oh, oh. You talked about watching television. You know, Catherine and I, we like to watch a lot of television when we can. Usually I'm falling asleep to, because our shows are like our go-to shows and they're old ones. I don't watch anything. I really honestly don't watch anything new, unless it's like a, a short series on one of the streaming services or whatever. But but my go-to's are, like everybody loves, raymond and and king of queens, those are great oh they're, they're absolutely fabulous.
Speaker 1:You know uh, joes and I, I just introduced catherine, um, uh, a short while ago, to the Middle.
Speaker 1:I never watched that oh it's dynamite, it really is, it's just so good, it's so good and you know. So it's like those three shows or we'll sprinkle in, we'll sprinkle in, I don't know. I just like shows, like, I guess, about couples. You know that kind of thing. Married people don't know, I just like shows, like, I guess, about couples, you know that kind of thing. You know. Married people, you know, we were watching rules of engagement for a while, uh, until amazon prime started charging for it again. But uh, you know, we were watching that um and uh, you know, we'll, like I said, we'll sprinkle in a little two and a half men from time to time too, but uh, I don't know, but it's light-hearted.
Speaker 2:It's something that you guys can sit on the couch and if you fall asleep for a little bit, that's okay. You can wake up and pick up where you left off that's right, that's right.
Speaker 1:You know silly stuff, but I love, I love the couple stuff. You know everybody loves raymond, king of queens, and even the middle. I love to watch the dynamic between the you know the married couple, and so it's just, it's, it's good stuff, it's good stuff, but anyway, again, survive. Wait, let me put my glasses on, cause I'm going to get this pitch right. Surviving mom blogcom, that's the website and then the book. Hold on, hold on, I'm going to get it here. I got to open this back up the book. Let me see where to go. The book is From the Heart of a Mother and it's available on the website, on Randy's website, which again is survivingmomblogcom, or at Amazon. So you take your pick, but go out and get it and, like Randy said, if you buy it, at least on the website, I know you do have a special going on. I did see that.
Speaker 2:Go to survivingmomblogcom slash shop. They can get a signed copy of it.
Speaker 1:Ah, a signed copy, and I think it's like five or six bucks off too. Cheaper and I will personalize it, so I will write a little note in there to the special someone, for yeah, Ah there you go, there you go, so you get some bonus stuff going on too, that's beautiful Randy. I can't thank you enough for this. This is good.
Speaker 2:It's good to meet you and it's good to talk to you. It was wonderful talking to you.
Speaker 1:I feel like it was therapeutic. I loved it.
Speaker 2:I love talking with you.
Speaker 1:I really do, or, as Barney Fife would say, therapeutic. You know, sorry, that's way before your time. No, it's not.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm going to close up, but stick around for me for a couple minutes. Okay, appreciate it. All right, everybody, that's a wrap. And, as you know, this program is available wherever you get your podcasts. Doesn't matter what streaming service you're using. Just search the Ben Mader program. Boom, it's there. Subscribe to it and get notifications every time a new episode drops. However, if you're enjoying watching this on YouTube, then please subscribe to the channel, give me a thumbs up and leave a comment. All right? Last but not least, follow me on Instagram Ben Maynard Program all one word. Or follow me on TikTok the Ben Maynard Program. Gosh, I can't believe. I said that. All right, so we're done. Thanks for your time. Thanks for being here. This is the Ben Maynard Program. Tell a friend.